Did you know recent studies have found that single adult women are the happiest subgroup of humans today, while single adult men are reportedly the loneliest (unhealthiest) and most unhappy subgroup? I have shared these statistics with a handful of people in the past few weeks to stir up conversations and get a sense of opinion in my immediate circles. So far, no one has responded with pushback or even surprise.
Women are fed up and feel happier being on their own than tending to a partner’s demands, conforming to a misogynistic relationship, or continuing to be let down by deception or false promises. Economic trends reveal that while women are becoming more financially independent, their tolerance for double standards and mistreatment is decreasing. Many women are opting out of abusive or emotionally numb partnerships. They wish to dismantle households with unfair distribution of labor and unmet needs. Because of the way many men have been socialized and still conform to the narrative of masculinity, women have long borne the weight of meeting the majority of emotional needs within a relational setting. And, well, women are burned out from doing all of the emotional labor and still feeling dissatisfied.
Regarding tolerance of harmful behaviors in intimate relationships, I am pleased to learn that standards are rising. So much tension and frustration exist when we learn that a loved one is staying with or returning to an abusive partner. When a client begins to identify abusive dynamics in a relationship, they often start a process of deconstructing and relearning much of their emotional worldview (i.e. boundaries, underlying reasons for their own patterns, personal feelings, and needs). Through this process, one often begins to feel a deep internal dissonance between what matters to them and how their relationship may or may not be satisfying their core values. It is not uncommon for a person to stay or return to an abusive relationship for reasons that seem completely irrational to those on the outside.
Reasons People Stay With An Abuser:
- Abuse has been normalized throughout their life (they don’t see the dysfunction)
- They are heavily manipulated by the person abusing them
- They are addicted to the rush of endorphins and dopamine released in the body during moments of “honeymoon”
- Financial dependence
- Trauma bonding and co-dependency
- Fear of how their children will be treated if left alone with an abuser (or losing custody)
- They cannot let go of hope, despite mounting evidence to the contrary
- Constant pressure/belief that the issues are their own fault in the relationship
- Fear of being alone
- Fear of abuse escalating
If you wonder whether someone will change their harmful ways, it may help to look at patterned behavior to predict what is to come. A harmful partner will make empty promises or straight-up lie to keep a person from leaving. The partner believes the lies and is fed false hope for the change they believe is possible. That hope gets extended when the abusive partner continues to step up their game by making greater promises of the next big thing, which inevitably pulls at the heartstrings of their empathic and understanding partner. That understanding often translates into excuse-making, thus allowing and enabling harmful behavior to continue.
Two years ago, while sitting in a session listening to a client divulge her recent repeat-return, we identified her pattern of returning to her abusive partner whom she had attempted to break up with, separate from, or establish personal boundaries with. None of these attempts were respected by the abusive partner. The partner continued to overindulge in substances and take out their emotional anger on my client, often stalking her when she advocated for her space. He had cheated on her multiple times and had recently physically assaulted a family member. Despite the unfulfilled promises and repeated patterns of behavior, my client continued to feel conflicted and hopeful. She worried that if she left now and he were to change, she would miss out on the potential for a happy life. Searching for words to highlight and summarize what was coming up in our session, I reflected back the key points and then offered a summary, blurting out, “You can’t milk a fish!” Isn’t that what we were trying to do here? There is often an unspoken belief that we can influence someone to change, despite them being cut off from humility, isolated from feedback from others, lacking self-reflection or the willingness to grow, and refusing to take accountability or show remorse for the way their actions have harmed others. We keep doing the same things and hoping for a new result. The reality is that no one can make another person change. If you continue to hope for something new when there has been no evidence of your partner trying to change or provide you with the emotional attunement you need, you will continually be disappointed. You can go to a cow or a goat for milk, but you cannot milk a fish.
So, How do I Know if Someone is Really Changing?
There are several ways to see if a person is changing. Self-awareness and self-responsibility are key factors in change. And then there is the obvious, physical evidential behavioral change,( i.e. they respect your boundaries, they give you personal freedom without attempting to control, they no longer criticize or lie, they show evidence of deeper self-awareness and take responsibility for their own emotions and behaviors, they listen with an intent to understand, they no longer berate you, they are managing their own emotions and able to de-escalate in appropriate ways, they support you and your personal well-being, they are engaged emotionally in the relationship by communicating feelings and thoughts clearly and directly, etc… ). Here are my top indicators in assessing the potential for change:
1) Being open to influence (Listening to other’s points of view and being willing to adjust to, accept, or take on a new perspective because of that influence)
2) Accepting full responsibility for one’s choices and actions
3) Showing genuine empathy and remorse for the other person’s hurt as a result of one’s actions
4) Exhibiting consistently changed behavior over time
I recently had the opportunity to co-write an article for PSYCH Magazine with one of my colleagues who works primarily as a researcher. It was my first clinical publication and a learning process to experience my own writing so heavily altered in order to meet the standards of that publication. They had asked us to write about toxic relationships. I had to clarify to the editor that I don’t typically use “toxic” as a clinical term. I am trained to understand Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Abuse and often use that lens for understanding controlling tactics. Though one can never assume another’s intentions, there are plenty of ways to take behavior as evidence. In these cases, empty promises, lies, or pretty words don’t do justice to the lack of trust or ongoing hurt one might cause another. As an intervention, I often suggest to my clients to unplug from their hearts and plug into their minds in order to see what is happening for what it is.
For more on toxic relationships and how to create your own change, the article can be read HERE.
The Word Mill 