Compatibility: The Myth and Scapegoat

It was a late autumn afternoon and I had just wrapped up my final session for the day. I lit two candles while pulling bags of loose-leaf teas across the counter before my afternoon guest arrived. I had been staying at a family friend’s house in Chagrin Falls for a few weeks while they traveled to Bali. From here I can easily accesses Metroparks and bridle trails along the Chagrin River, which I take full advantage of during my stay. The village of Chagrin Falls hosts a quaint little town that participates deeply in the enchantment of Halloween decor quickly followed by Christmas holiday cheer. Also pleasurable are two sweet pups who twitterpate as we walk the same four blocks in their neighborhood. The property hosts an old carriage house extended into a home overlooking an open yard interrupted by a rushing river. The waterfall crossing Main Street flirts at me through barren trees as I lean far enough east over the back deck. 

Once my guest arrived, we sat cozy in front of three large windows, swaddling our cups of tea with bright yellow leaves flickering behind me. Meridith had just moved back to the U.S. from Australia and she wanted to interview me about my career in family therapy. She is at a crossroads between career, relationship, and home – trying to navigate a work life that aligns her with a sense of purpose. She shared about moving home after so many years, cultural differences in healthcare and politics, and of her recent break-up due to differences in core values. The topic spiraled toward dating and compatibility and I noticed my reaction. When compatibility is used as a formula to find “the perfect mate” it sets a relationship up in unhelpful ways. I think the concept of compatibility is a myth. 

Compatibility Defined

A couple may present as more compatible or less compatible. However, that is likely to fluctuate over time as each person and the relationship evolves through awareness, life-stage, growth, loss, and change in needs.

When folks discuss compatibility in the context of dating, one is often looking for a person who “checks all their boxes.” Boxes are criteria people carry with them for what they look for in a mate. Compatibility might include shared hobbies, interests, chemistry within interactions, sexual compatibility (feeling an ease and shared level of openness to explore, kink, or a seemingly equal sex-drive), easy flow of conversation, a sense of harmony, relating to one another; “speaking the same language” or feeling “on the same page.” Compatibility often means that we like and/or care about the same things. 

Folks may assume that if they find someone compatible, it can be the element to sustain a long-term relationship. In reality, a couple may present as more compatible or less compatible. However, that is likely to fluctuate over time as each person and the relationship evolves through awareness, life-stages, growth, loss, and change in needs.

How is it A Myth? 
The greatest myth of compatibility is the belief or assumption that if two people align on interests, they will be able to maintain a long-term partnership primarily on that basis. People seem to assume compatibility at first. But, because our perspectives change over time (hopefully through emotional growth and maturity), our values and how we see the world may change. Thus, we find ourselves “growing apart,” “growing up,” or “growing away” from our partners. In the end, incompatibility is used as a reason to leave the relationship. In most cases, incompatibility is fairly inevitable.

Compatibility Versus Values
Values and compatibility might overlap, but I prefer to keep them separate. Values are what principles and beliefs matter to you. Often at the core, values dictate how we live with meaning, maintaining a hierarchy of what is important to us. One might value travel over financial stability. One might value relationships over alone time. One might value freedom and flexibility over commitment and stability. 

Compatibility is an Abstract Concept 

The only way to truly know someone is over time, in various context.

As folks begin the process of finding a partner, they often seek out someone who checks all the boxes on their list. The assessment begins with whether or not one is going to meet the expectations or past experiences they are working from. You might hear “They tick all the boxes,” or “On paper, she is a perfect match!” Everything on paper or on a dating site can seem to line up. However, the only way to truly know someone is over time, in various contexts. Even then, there is a likelihood of them or us changing. People are much too complex to fit into boxes, yet we continue to use these formulas to methodically sift through whether we think the person with whom we are exploring might meet some criteria (that are essentially tied to needs). In the early stages of getting to know someone, we fill in our experiences or their words with context and meaning. Are we quick to assume someone is untrustworthy, or assume they are perfect for us based on biased and limited knowledge?

To Measure as Though It Were Fixed 
Compatibility is used as a measuring tool to blankly assess if someone is right for you, but this concept might limit other important relational elements. Yes, she is hot and interesting, loves to travel, and speaks three languages. But can she listen to you and understand your intended meaning? Does she create conflict and tension with your mother and isolate you from your family or friends? Does she burn bridges everywhere she goes? Does she turn your kids against you by publicly shaming and blaming you? Is your relationship a whirlwind of chaos and destruction? Is she argumentative, leaving people uncomfortable or afraid to be themselves in her presence? Is this the kind of person you would want to potentially parent with and build a family with long-term? Does he buy you grandiose gifts and throw money at you, take you out to fancy dinners, and make you laugh, but also show signs of possessiveness and insecurity while hinting at what you ought to and ought not to do with your body or your time? Is he dismissive of the emotions of those close to him and to you? Is this the kind of person you can see fostering community and friendships, or parenting alongside you? He might seem stable and caring about your needs in the beginning, but his own lack of emotional awareness and humility or empathy are deeply rooted dysfunctions that can cause real emotional damage to you in the long run. Here, in the experiences gained with time and exposure, is where you have to explore what matters to you over any list of attractions or criteria you have. If you are looking for something long-term, that perceived compatibility from the start of the relationship can become less sustainable when compared with your long-term values. 

The Great Scapegoat

What is often at the center of dissatisfaction in relationships are unmet needs, emotional wounds, underlying fears, hurt, or avoidant behaviors.

Compatibility is a convenient way to ignore agency in creating change or taking responsibility. To say there is a good/bad or right/wrong person for me assumes it is the person and not the normative conflicts that arise in relationships. It also makes it easier to avoid looking inward to assess one’s own contributions to problems in the relationship. People tend to assume that if they had a complimentary partner, their relationships would be more satisfying and they would have fewer problems in the relationship. This is a fallacy. Sure, sometimes more shared interests can help decrease conflict or increase a sense of connection! But what is often at the center of dissatisfaction in relationships are unmet needs, emotional wounds, underlying fears, hurt, or avoidant behaviors. On the surface, compatibility is a farcical portal to feeling safe and connected, seen or heard. Yet, compatibility can serve as a scapegoat for deeper issues. Compatibility seems convenient until it doesn’t. When looking to pin down a person, we focus on the right boxes they tick. But when we want to leave a partner or marriage, compatibility becomes a weapon or an excuse to leave the relationship. “We grew apart,” “We have nothing in common,” or “We have nothing to talk about” are common reasons given for the breakdown of compatibility-based relationships. This framework can be used as a scapegoat for disconnection or unresolved emotional wounds. 

Opposites Attract and Have the Potential to Balance
“Incompatibility” is actually a desirable trait in healthy relationships. Healthy relationships hold a dichotomy of maintaining connection and security while also maintaining separateness and autonomy. Couples who do everything together and live in united bliss are often codependent and isolated. They smother the potential for growth and newness because comfort keeps them feeding off of the same old patterns or activities. Having security within a relationship allows both partners to fulfill personal interests and thus find further enjoyment because there is room to engage in things that the couple does not enjoy together. It fosters openness, growth, and the potential for a richer satisfaction in life.

Do Not Carry Over

Conflict is inevitable and normal. Conflict is rooted in differences: different feelings, different opinions, different perspectives, different wants and needs.

Newly single folks often latch on to the concept of compatibility as insurance for a successful relationship. They seem to think that because they now are with someone who is exactly like them, the relationship will not deteriorate. The belief here is that one will have a successful relationship because their new love interest will be more agreeable and less conflict-prone. This assumption lacks the awareness of how one might have personally contributed to problems in past relationships. It lacks a deeper understanding of what was at the core of the distance in their previous connection. A very unhelpful thing to do when dating is to transfer all of your unresolved issues to a new person. Just because the new person seems to fill in the gaps you assume were there in past relationships, does not mean other gaps will not arise. Don’t assume the new relationship will last because it feels more passionate or connected than the relationship you had with an ex. Don’t attempt to reconcile your differences from a past relationship by finding a partner you think has fewer differences. Don’t assume issues won’t exist because of these commonalities. The reality is that conflict is inevitable and normal. Conflict is rooted in differences: different feelings, different opinions, different perspectives, different wants and needs. 

What Makes a Relationship Successful
Compatibility varies and changes over time. A better thing to look for in seeking a partnership is shared values and character traits (i.e. integrity, patience, humility, kindness, honesty, etc.). Look for evidence of healthy committed relationships with friends and family. Look for emotional awareness and an ability to communicate feelings and needs, as well as for an empathic listener who attempts to understand others. Look for someone open to change and mutual balance in the partnership. These are the elements found in successful couples who report high levels of relationship satisfaction.